First Ever Vlog!!

Let me be honest, I’m extremely socially awkward. I’ve also been told I’m “monotone”, I pretty much always sound like I’m reading a script *shrugs*. This took a ton of courage to upload, hence the reason why it took 3 months lol I wanted to document my favorite restaurants in Okinawa, Japan. I miss the food SO much. This video is pretty much all I have to remember it by. Man oh man I miss Sam’s by the Sea! I hope you enjoy the video!

 

No Land in Sight

(Trigger Warning: Mental Illness)

Very rare that I post back to back, because I’m just super inconsistent and flaky. I just needed to write, it is so helpful when it comes to my mental health. Some of you may know that I struggle with mild depression. You could read more about that here. BUT because we are in the process of PCSing (moving from Japan to Texas), I’m now dealing with anxiety, which is triggering my depression and it is freaking awful. I have never had to deal with anxiety, except the occasional flare up while driving. This anxiety though, is disgusting and I feel terrible.

I’m just constantly worrying about everything you could imagine. The packers come tomorrow, and it’s unreal. It’s pretty difficult to decide which items we could live without for 6 weeks, what items we want to donate, and which items we need for our day to day life. It’s just so stressful to get everything organized. I’ve always had this strange obsession with things. I guess I have some mild hoarding tendencies (no I don’t collect dead mice or feces). I find sentiment in some things that most people will look past. I collect birthday cards, attraction tickets, I even have my very first paystub. I guess I’m kinda attached to my house. This is the first house I’ve ever lived in on my own, it was brand new, and it’s my home. Such an odd feeling to pack up all my things to relocate somewhere completely new. For some reason, writing takes my mind off of the tough part. It feels pretty good to write about it, instead of holding all the worry in. Honestly, I just don’t have many people who I can talk to, people who actually understand what I’m going through. So many people are uncomfortable talking about their mental health, possibly out of denial? I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist. Anyway, it is pretty sad that I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t even find time to be excited about moving. I want to be excited about moving.

Anxiety to me is: thinking of the worst possible outcome. It sounds crazy, and it kinda is. It’s like my brain is overthinking and causing me to doubt everything that I do. I’m thinking about things that could happen, but are completely unrealistic and they probably won’t ever happen.  Of course I’m well aware that my thoughts are very unreasonable, but it’s just the way my brain is choosing to process things right now. I read something that said, “Anxiety is like swimming in the ocean with no land in sight”. Now try to visualize yourself in that ocean………….. It’s extremely scary. You know the feeling when you’re unsure if you left the stove on when you leave the house? The feeling you get when you’re about to take a major exam in your worst subject. Imagine feeling that way for days on end. I feel like I’m constantly forgetting to do important things. Envision yourself in a maze, you’re walking around for hours trying to escape. The hours of walking turn into days, weeks, and you just can’t find an exit. I know there is an exit, I just haven’t found it yet.

I’m struggling pretty badly with my sleep schedule right now. Normally I go to bed at 10 pm, now I’m heading to bed around 4 am. The thing that sucks about that? I have a hard time sleeping when the sun comes up, so “sleeping in” for me, is sleeping until 9 maybe 10 if I’m hungover. Everyone is different, but my body functions much best when I get a full 9 hours of sleep. But this, it’s awful, I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m so stressed I grind my teeth while I’m awake, the worst! I’ve also been eating horribly. I don’t feel like cooking, so I’ve been eating so much fast food, which obviously doesn’t make me feel great physically. Unfortunately I’m not making the best decisions when it comes to how I’m treating my body, but my mind just isn’t right right now. I’m just patiently waiting for this whole move to be over, so I can hopefully relax and get back on track with my life.

I know that I could go to mental health and see a therapist, everyone who knows me should know that I’m a huge advocate for therapy and counseling. I just don’t really think the timing is right. I’ve sold my car, and I only have a few weeks left here on island. Anyone who knows anything about military doctors in Okinawa, would know that it’s nearly impossible to get an appointment within 2 weeks. So I figured I would just ride this one out, and find other ways to cope. However, because I have never dealt with long-term anxiety, I need some help. Aside from the breathing exercises, how do y’all manage anxiety? Does anyone meditate? I don’t have much experience with meditation, but I really want to learn. Anyone study mindfulness and chakras? Again, I’m learning, but I still don’t know much about how all that stuff works. I would prefer to medicate myself in the most natural ways possible. Before anyone asks, I do not have access to smoke MJ. All I’m gonna say is that if I could, I would. *winks*

Writing is definitely good for my mental health, but I don’t always have any inspiration to do it, so I often hit dead ends. I guess I am just looking for help from people who successfully deal with anxiety and depression. For some of us, mental health takes a “village” to get through. Nobody should ever have to go through this alone, and I’m always here if anyone needs to vent. Trust me, I’ve supported plenty of strangers online who were on the verge of a breakdown. Don’t ever be afraid to talk about mental health, because it is just as important as physical health. I promise, you are not alone.

Is Reverse Culture Shock a Thing?

Howdy y’all! So we are down to our last 5ish weeks in Japan, and when I tell you, I can’t even sleep at night these days! I have never struggled with anxiety until now, and it’s exhausting. I NEED SLEEP! I had been ready to leave island forever, but as we approach moving day, I get more and more nervous. Between the packing, finding an apartment, finding new doctors, prepping for our trip back home, it’s a lot on our plates. I don’t know how to adult, help!!

I’m not really sure why I’m so uneasy about moving back to the country I’ve spent 18 years in. I mean, I’ve heard so much about reverse culture shock. Is it really a thing? It totally makes sense. In Japan, there are so many things we do differently here. Customer service, or should I say, the lack of, is going to take some getting used to. However, one thing I won’t miss, is the fact that there are no free refills in Japan. To top it off, the cup sizes are ridiculously small. Not really sure how Japan expects me to quench my thirst with a quarter cup of melon soda with 4 big ass ice cubes in it. Fun fact: Majority of places in Japan will refuse tips. I’m pretty excited about not having to use my Google Translate app to go grocery shopping. But the toughest transition will FOR SURE be the whole driving situation, I have no idea how long it’ll take my brain to readjust to driving on the right side of the road.

Although I’m starting to see a tiny little light at the end of the tunnel, we still have so much to do. TMO comes in a few days, and shit is about to get real. My dining room table is gone, and we are eating on the couch, #RECKLESS. My car is sold, which is kinda tragic. It’s so crazy how quickly everything is going! I honestly didn’t expect to be this emotional about leaving, but I’ve met so many amazing people here! People I’m going to miss so much, but I guess that’s all a part of the military life. Aside from the people, I’m definitely gonna miss my house! I’m gonna miss Bollywood Dreams, Hamazushi and Daiso, possibly even MaxValu (gotta get used to the Walmart life now).

But I’m so excited I get to see my parents and my sister, hopefully my brother soon! Sucks that we only get to spend a few days back home, but we are gonna make the best of it—if the jet lag allows us to. We are legit gonna be #TeamNoSleep while on vacation, since we haven’t been home in almost 3 years!! But seriously guys, all I keep thinking about is food. Gyros, Flyers, Chickfila, Bahama Breeze, I-CAN-NOT-WAIT. We get to be tourists for once, and I’m pretty thrilled about it. We basically wanna do everything except the theme parks, ain’t nobody got time for all that.

Onto Texas! Super excited for Texas. Super optimistic. Super anxious. If anyone knows somebody who knows somebody who knows anybody who lives in San Antonio, send them to my blog! I wanna know everything about everything. Best places to road trip to, favorite bars, where does everyone grocery shop? Seriously, I really wanna know your favorite hole in the wall restaurants, favorite boutiques, favorite mom & pop shops, tell me everything! If anyone knows anyone who owns any small business in San Antonio, comment below! I would love to visit as many small shops that I can!

I’m hopeful that during my transition back stateside will give me lots of inspiration for blogs, and even possible vlogs. So stay tuned everyone! I can’t wait to share with y’all the business that I’ve been prepping all throughout 2016. But seriously, I’m hoping that I can soon get my mojo back! It’s about that time to make the switch from Ash, to Whiplash *winks**twerks*.

Jaa Ne Okinawa, Howdy Texas

Hey everyone! I know, I’m very inconsistent with my blogging… but I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, I’m really not as interesting as I would like to think I am! I’m working on it tho!

Any way! My husband and I finally got official military orders. For those who don’t know. The military loves to throw curve balls. Just when you think you know what’s going to happen, something completely different happens. We requested Georgia, North Carolina, and California. They offered us New York, New Jersey, Puerto Rico, and South Carolina. Crazy right? Of course we chose South Carolina. We optimistically waited a few days before hearing back. Unfortunately, South Carolina was no longer available, but the other options were. We decided to pass on those options and wait. We waited & waited & did some more waiting. Then they said “You’re going to Mississippi!” I wasn’t really excited to hear that. I’m more of a city girl, and the city we would be going to, was more of a small town. I guess I was just excited to be back stateside, because I can’t handle another overseas tour. HONESTLY OVER IT. I was grateful, and I was going to make the best of it.

But no, we aren’t going to Mississippi. We are going to San Antonio, Texas!! For some odd reason, I’m looking forward to it. It’s not too far from home, but it’s different. I’m thankful for warm weather, and daisy dukes. Texas is somewhere I’ve always wanted to visit. So, I guess I get to enjoy a 3 year vacation? I’m so excited for is the barbeque, the basketball and the margaritas! Not that I’m a Spurs fan by any means, Clippers all the way, I’m just excited to be able to watch LIVE basketball.

I am a bit apprehensive about a few things, I can’t lie. For one, I moved to Japan 2 weeks after graduating high school. I used to work two jobs while balancing school, and my social life (even though I only had 3 friends, NOT the point). The past two and a half years here, I’ve been a housewife. Staying home was completely new to me. I’ve never been the one to cook, or clean, I’m the youngest child, it wasn’t my job lol. I learned, but I don’t love staying home. It’s going to be exciting to start working again once I get to Texas, however, it WILL be tough to balance being a wife, and working while I start my business (more details later).

It’s going to be really exciting to buy a car, been doing tons of research, and accepting suggestions! I’m excited about moving to a new city. I’m excited to be closer to my family. I’m excited to be a little west. As embarrassing as it sounds, the farthest west I’ve been, is West Virginia. Texas is going to be new for me, but I feel like it’s what I need. Aside from visiting, I never ever plan to live in Orlando again. So much more to see in the world. I wanna meet new people, try new things, and experience a different culture! I feel like I’m finally getting to experience the real world. I finally get to start a job, buy a house, get a puppy, the whole shebang. So many fun things I have planned for 2017.

I’m well aware of the culture shock I’m going to have to deal with. I haven’t been in the states in over 2 years! Though I spent 18 years living in the US, it’s going to be a huge adjustment. Japanese culture is amazing, and so different than I was used to. For one, Japanese people are extremely polite. The customer service here is taken serious no matter wherever you go. Crime rate? It’s super rare to hear about anything crazy out here. If there ever is crime, 9 times out of 10, it’s the Americans doing stupid sh–. It’s also extremely often to see kids walking to school alone, I mean kids who are barely 6 years old. Not a common site in America. Japan is a gun free country, so you won’t hear about people accidently on purpose shooting their husbands. It’s much quieter here, aside from the occasional Eisa Drummers. Did I mention that we drive on the left side of the road here?! That’s gonna be a huge adjustment.

This is really our first PCS (Permanent Change of Station). When I moved to Japan, all I brought with me was a checked bag, a carry-on, and a personal item. This time around, I have a whole house to pack. So far, I’m not too overwhelmed, but if you know me, you know the crazy will kick in anytime now. Who knew you had to take photos of all your belongings and literally create an entire inventory for it? Apparently it’s very common for the packers to lose and/or steal your things. We have a binder put together, with 18 copies of our orders lol and all the other important stuff. I would appreciate any suggestions or advice for a OCONUS to CONUS PCS! What things helped you transition smoother? What things do you wish you had done differently?

I know I’m constantly talking about how excited I am to leave Okinawa, but that doesn’t mean I hate it here. I’ve had some amazing experiences here, met some wonderful people here. I met my bestest friend here! Though she probably isn’t reading this, because she spends majority of her time breast feeding, I truly truly truly am grateful that I’ve met her, and her husband. Those two definitely have helped me make the most out of being so far away from home. Those people are my family now! It’s going to be tough leaving them, but they can’t get rid of me that easily. I can’t even count how many incredible people I’ve met here. Between my husband’s coworkers, the people I used to work with, and the people I’ve met on the internet –too many people have made things in Okinawa worth it. I’m optimistic that I will meet some equally amazing people in Texas. I’m down to my last few months here, and I’m going to make the best of it. Texas ain’t ready for me!! Soon enough I’ll be saying “Jaa Ne Okinawa, and Howdy Texas”!

Dear Ash.

Dear Ash.

You’ve come a long way. You’ve grown older, and wiser, however, you’ve still got a lot to learn. This is what life is about, learning; taking in all the information you possibly can, and using it to live an enjoyable life. I know you often feel lost, and get sidetracked, but I want to share some advice. I want to help you get back on the right path. I want to give you some tips to help you achieve greatness.

You have to find your purpose. Why were you put on this Earth? What things do you want to accomplish while you are here? What things are you passionate about? What things do you enjoy doing? In the words of Buddha, “Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” You gotta set goals girl. You’re smart, and I know you’re gonna do great things. It’s perfectly okay to dream big. You wanna be a 1 hit wonder? Go for it. You wanna be a pastry chef? Go for it. Wanna be in LifeTime movies? GO FOR IT. Don’t allow people to tell you your dreams are unrealistic. Any dream can come true if you work hard to make it happen.

Learn how to forgive. I know, it’s easier said than done. I know you have a ton of pet peeves, everything seems to irritate you. Whenever you feel like someone has done something to upset you, stop and ask yourself “Is it really worth it?” DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. You have to stop letting irrelevant things ruin your day. Yes, your friends and family love you, but they don’t live to please you. Learn how to let things go.

Be yourself. You’ve got a strong, bold personality, don’t conceal it. Not everyone can handle it, and that’s okay. Those who can’t handle it, shouldn’t be around you. You are sarcastic, raunchy, and you’re what some people would call ‘extra’. In the words of the great Katy Perry, “baby you’re a firework”. Embrace your personality, it’s one of the things that make you unique. Stop trying to change who you are to keep toxic people in your life. Speak how you want, wear what you want, do what you want, be what you want. Be yourself, but better. Better, meaning; being polite, being smart, and being the healthiest version of you possible.

Be kind. This is probably going to be the toughest tip for you. Friendly isn’t a word people often use to describe you. You’re kind of a [bleep](use your imagination). You always have a wall up; It’s okay to let it down. Try to see the good in everyone, because good is in everyone. Whether it’s a blessing, or a lesson, aim to see the glass half full. Learn to trust people, and treat them well. You’ll come across some nasty people who won’t return the favor, but its okay. As long as you know you did your part, then it was a successful encounter. You will feel much better knowing you treat people politely. Smile more, and eventually it may become genuine. As cliché as it sounds; treat people the way you would like to be treated. If you wouldn’t hang out with you, maybe you should reevaluate your attitude and behavior.

Surround yourself with positive people. Don’t allow anyone in your life who doesn’t deserve to be there. Be strict about your friends, and have high standards always. If your friends aren’t supportive, let them go. If your friends don’t tell you when you’re wrong, let them go. If your friends don’t inspire you, let them go. Only keep people around who you can learn from. The friends you do have, make sure you always show appreciation for them. You deserve friends who are trustworthy, and loving. You need friends who you can laugh and cry with, and the ones who will hold your hair back while you vomit Bacardi gold. You deserve friends who truly love you. Life is way too short to have crappy friends.

 Live a life that’s worth blogging about! Be the best version of you possible! Be the friend that your friends will brag about. Be the wife that your husband dreams of having. Be the person people want to be around. Be inspirational, be fun, be happy.

XOXO,

Ashli Narissa

-♥

#FitnessGoals

Hey everyone! I know it’s been FOREVER since I’ve written anything. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been busy, but I really haven’t. I’m just extremely lazy these days! & I don’t feel guilty about it at all! Just a heads up, I’m free-writing this, so please excuse any grammatical errors you may find.

This post is about my health & fitness goals. Where I am, where I want to be, and how I plan to get there. I’ve never found interest in any physical activities at all. I always hated PE growing up because it normally involved running, which is something I have never been good at. My brother got all the athletic genes and left absolutely zero for my sister and I. So it’s not a surprise that I gained a little marriage weight, I use the term “little” loosely. Fortunately for me, my husband loves my lil muffin top, but I DON’T.

I’ll be honest, I’m fairly vain. & the thought of me PCSing in March is kind of intimidating because I don’t look the same I did when I left home. I’m well aware that I’m no longer a teenager, but I think my age & physical health are not corresponding at all. I know I need to get it together, so I can live a long and enjoyable life.

Back in May, I decided to do a month of paleo. For those who don’t know what that is; no dairy, no grains, no added sugars, no legumes. Basically I ate strictly meats, vegetables, and fruits for a month. Boy, the weight fell off so fast. Unfortunately, eating paleo requires a ton of work (including but not limited to grocery shopping multiple times a week). I was too exhausted, and partially lazy to work out like I should have. Obviously the weight came back.

I’m now working out 5 days a week, mostly weight lifting. I struggle with running, but I would eventually like to get more comfortable doing it. Now cycling, I can do 5 miles and enjoy it. I’m trying to get myself into a good routine where I can actually make the gym a permanent part of my life. It’s only been 3 weeks so far, and I truly am enjoying it, I just hope I can stay motivated to work out. It’s just extremely annoying that I haven’t lost any weight yet. Part of the reason I choose paleo for weight loss is because it’s fast, it’s just not a long term solution. I am thankful of how strong I am getting though! I actually did 240 lbs on the leg press today, 3 weeks ago I was only lifting 120!

I’m fairly comfortable with the fitness part of it, but I’m struggling with the nutritional aspect of this. Which is the most important part I heard!

I’m actually writing this post because I know I have a ton of gym junkies on my Facebook. Obviously you all have inspired me in some way or another. I want to hear what inspired you to become physically fit. I also would love to hear about your fitness goals. Any healthy recipes you would like to share? Good vibes, and words of encouragement are welcome! Any tips or suggestions about weight loss/fat loss, I would appreciate it!

Summertime Follow-Up

I’m so excited to write this post, because it’s been so long since I’ve written anything, and I really do miss it. I just really don’t have much to talk about these days. I’m pretty boring to be honest. In my head, I live a fancy lifestyle in LA and I hang out with my celeb best friends all the time; Cierra Ramirez, and Maia Mitchell, hey besties! But in reality, I’m a housewife. I cook, clean, buy groceries, check the mailbox, & repeat. I also play Overwatch every second I get (it’s such a good game, plz buy it for xbox guys).

I’m also pretty close to getting a promotion with Scentsy! (Let me know if you would like to help support!) Click here!!!

I’m planning to start ASL classes online, which is gonna be super tough because I don’t have anyone to practice with. But in case I ever run into Nyle DiMarco, I wanna make sure I know how to tell him how much of a sexy coyote he is.

Another exciting thing happening is my husband’s reenlistment, and we have to choose where we want to relocate. Honestly, I can’t even be picky. I just want to be closer to my family! There are just so many places to choose from! I’ll just be excited to leave Japan, this place is NOT for me. Some people love it here, but I’m not one of those people. Although I do love my house, and all this extra space. We got lucky, we have a brand new 2 story house here, and not everyone gets that.

I’m hoping to start building my photography portfolio now. I just did an engagement shoot, and I forgot how fun it was to take photos. I still need plenty of practice with editing, but I’m excited to learn. If anyone has any tips or suggestions for software, feel free to share! I’m aiming to do mostly family photos, and [wedding, engagement, birth] announcement photos for now.

I’m almost done with my event planning certificate, and I’m so happy that I’ll soon be a Certified Event Planning Specialist! I’m going to be planning a huge celebration for my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. Isn’t that crazy?! 50 years. 5 children. 12 grandchildren. 4 great-grandchildren. It’ll be my first big event to plan, and I’m so thankful for my committee—hey momma & Yana!

Oh and another thing, PALEO. Guys let me tell you. If you want to lose weight quickly, try it. No added sugar, no grains, no beans, no alcohol. I’ve lost so much weight by doing it. Eat as much as you want, but you can only eat meat, fruit and vegetables. You’re welcome *Sadie Saxton voice*.

Ultimately, I’m writing this post to let the world know that I’m doing just fine! I will try my best to write more. Thanks for reading!

Mom.

There’s so many things I could say about my mother; good, bad and ugly (I’ll keep it cute this time lol). Sounds cliché, but my mom is my best friend. We weren’t always this close. You would think that us being in two separate continents we would drift apart, but somehow the distance has made us closer. My mom and I talk almost every day, about everything you could imagine. My mom is my mentor, my therapist, and overall my biggest inspiration. I can say I honestly gave my mom a hard time while I was growing up. I was always into SOMETHING, whether I should or shouldn’t have been. I wanted to share some of my favorite memories with my mom. (I’m sure she will get a kick out of these).

I was probably four years old and I was always trying to be slick. I remember one day I tried to sneak some candy. My mom had one of those boxes of chocolate, and it was on the kitchen counter. I just kept sneaking pieces of chocolate, and putting the box back on the counter. Somehow the box slipped off the counter & all the chocolate spilled all over the kitchen floor. My mom was furious. She made me sit & eat all those chocolates off the floor. This taught me to always ask permission.

I think I was in kindergarten when I chopped off my hair. My mom told my sister to take out my braids before she got back from my Gramas house. My sister didn’t want to help me with my hair, & I didn’t wanna get a spankin. So I got some scissors to help, I cut above the rubber bands so I can take my braids out faster. I cut about 2-3 inches off. I took all the leftover hair & hid it in a plastic jack-o-lantern in my room. My mom immediately noticed when she got home, needless to say I got in huge trouble. I’m pretty sure my mom still has the hair in a bag. This taught me to be patient (still a work in progress).

When I was in the second grade, my mom thought I had alopecia. I know, sounds crazy. I’ll start from the beginning. You know the phrase, “monkey see, monkey do”? Well I had always watched my mom arch her eyebrows, and when mine began to get bushy, I wanted to do the same. One day I went in my mom’s bathroom and used her razor to shave my eyebrow, & it wasn’t what I expected. I shaved a huge chunk out of my eyebrow & I was so embarrassed. I didn’t say anything to her, but when she noticed, she freaked out. We went to all sorts of doctors & dermatologists. They gave me special shampoo to help my eyebrow grow back. I kept my mouth shut. It wasn’t until my junior year in high school that I slipped up and asked my mom if she remembered that time I accidently shaved my eyebrow off. Oops! This taught me to let things in the past, stay in the past.

I was in seventh grade when my mom, sister & cousin worked together to put out my mom’s ex-boyfriend. We literally packed all his things & put it in his car, we went to a party afterwards. Sounds like girl power to me! This taught me not to take crap from anyone.

I was in ninth grade when I got my first job. It was a surprise to my mom, she didn’t even know I was looking for a job. Seeing my mom work hard inspired me. This taught me independence.

I was in the eleventh grade when my mom drilled my bedroom window shut. I clearly wasn’t as discreet as I thought. This taught me to not be sneaky.

I was also in eleventh grade when I bought my first car, in cash. My mom helped me with the entire process. She told me I was the first person in the family to buy my own car in cash. This taught me to go after what I wanted.

My mom is probably the only person in the world who really understands me. My mom is my biggest supporter in everything. My mom still helps take care of me when I feel like I can’t take care of myself. I haven’t seen my mom in almost two years. In the airport, where she sent me off to Japan to be with my husband. It was one of the toughest days of my life. I ugly cried, I haven’t yet mastered the graceful cry. It was hard on both of us. I think the distance has showed us what really matters. Whether we live 8000 miles apart, or 8 feet apart, I will forever cherish & appreciate my mommy.

                Living so far away from my mom has taught me that I will always need my mother.

 

Dealing With Depression.

In honor of Depression Awareness Week, I want to blog about something different. Unlike my other posts, this one may make people feel slightly uncomfortable and possibly a bit confused. I just really want to clear up some of the common misconceptions of depression, because not everyone understands it. Depression is a part of my life, and I want to share with you all how this affects me. I’ve had mild depression for about 5 years maybe. Depression is one of those terms that people often use lightly. I’ve seen plenty of people talk about depression as if it’s a mood, similar to sadness, but it’s not. Depression is a mental illness. People with depression think differently than those without it. Everyone experiences depression differently; because I have mild depression, I never experience suicidal or homicidal thoughts and I don’t self-harm. Another common misconception; IT DOES NOT TAKE A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE TO DEVELOP DEPRESSION. Nothing specific happened 5 years ago that I will link to my depression.

Depression makes me feel certain things, sometimes there are feelings that I can’t put a name on. Feeling angry for no exact reason. Feeling alone in a room full of people. Feeling exhausted after sleeping all day. Feeling discouraged when things don’t go the way I hoped it would. Feeling frustrated because the people around me just don’t understand. Feeling overwhelmed and tired. When my depression hits me, I honestly feel careless. My depression usually flares up for about 3 days, yeah, THREE DAYS at a time.

Every now and then, I get so frustrated I cry. At times I just want to stay in bed, in the dark, alone. I cancel plans a lot, sometimes I just don’t feel like socializing. A lot of the time, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I struggle to find peace. Sometimes I like to go on a drive, and take the scenic route. I may take a 45 minute shower just to escape from reality. I often grind my teeth when I’m sleeping, and I get nightmares. At times I don’t want to eat, like I wish I didn’t have an appetite. Of course I end up eating because I find comfort in food. I then get frustrated and feel guilty because I’ve overeaten and now I feel worse. CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK IS A REAL THING!!!!

Depression to me is; pain, exhaustion, anger, irritation, annoyance, and frustration all at once. I don’t always think logically when my depression hits. I ignore the people around me, and I often snap on those who are closest to me. Instead of talking about my feelings, I write about them because I don’t have a ton of people in my life who understand my depression. Obviously everyone has their own way of surviving depression, writing is how I do it. Depression is a real thing, there are 350 million people in the world who suffer from it! Take some time to learn about it! Some of your closest friends may suffer from it, and they may feel like they have nobody who they can vent to. Understand that depression is not sadness, its numbness.

If I ever need time to myself, I need the people in my life to understand why. It’s not me being standoff-ish, it’s because I have depression and sometimes I need a break.

 

Disclaimer: this is specifically a post about how I am affected by depression, everyone experiences it and handles it differently.

Not Your Average Housewife.

This isn’t a post about feminism, it’s about the self-confidence of a bossy woman.

People love to tell you to “be yourself”, unless you’re a woman who likes to regulate. Newsflash; it’s 2016 and times have changed! Women can be leaders too! Crazy, right? People have this theory of how women are expected to be, and I don’t fit into that stereotypical mold (and I don’t want to). Don’t even get me started on the “Wife Roles” people think are so important. People probably didn’t expect me to ever get married, like “who would want to put up with her?” LOL I’m a lot to handle. Takes a brave man to deal with such an assertive woman.

I have a strong personality. I’m dominant, sarcastic, I’m aggressive at times. I’m bossy, I love to be in control. I’m outspoken, and stubborn. I sometimes curse like a sailor and drink like a frat boy. I have a dry sense of humor. I love wearing revealing clothes. I enjoy watching professional basketball. I have a slight obsession with Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. I hate reading books. I think salad is disgusting. I’ve had 4 piercings, and I can’t wait to get more. I make my own decisions. I say, do, and wear whatever I want. I’m sort of a diva.

Not your average housewife huh?

Well, I’m not.

I got married at 18. I had no clue how to be a wife. I tried for MONTHS to be soft-spoken and submissive, but it didn’t work for me. I was lying to myself, and to David by being a phony Stepford Wife. Society says you’re supposed to let your husband make all the decisions for the house. L O L. I’m the boss in my house, not by choice, but by default. I’m a strong, powerful woman who can’t be chained LOL. I’m a temporary stay-at-home cat mom/housewife by choice.

It has taken such a long time for me to understand the fact that you can’t change your personality. No matter who you decide to surround yourself with, YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. Embrace your personality, DOMINATE. For the record; just because I have a strong personality doesn’t mean I’m cruel, bitter and unkind! I’m respectful and polite to those who deserve it. I’m fairly outgoing, and I’m far from anti-social. I’m cool as [bleep], and I don’t need validation from anyone! I won’t bite my tongue for anyone. I’m not an Instagram photo, I don’t need a filter LOL I may be a [bleep] most of the time, but I’m funny as [bleep] and that’s something I’m proud of. Aren’t care free black girls the best?!

 

Here’s a message to the people with bold personalities:

STOP GIVING A [bleep] WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.

SERIOUSLY!!!

STOP SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PUNKS.

NOT EVERYONE IS MEANT TO BE A BOSS, AND WEAK PEOPLE MAKE THE WORST BOSSES ANYWAY.

DON’T EVER SOFTEN YOURSELF FOR ANYONE.

STOP SUGAR COATING YOURSELF.

YOU AREN’T FOR EVERYONE.

DON’T LET ANYONE SHACKLE YOU.

[bleeps] GET MARRIED TOO, DON’T WORRY!

DO YOU BOO!

 

Moral: I’m not bitter, I’m semi-sweet and guilt free.